tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 9, 2015 10:35pm-11:37pm CST
>> stephen: thank you so much. wow! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome to the late show, everybody. thank you so much! thanks, everybody. i'm stephen colbert. everybody have a good weekend? have i a nice time? i spent mine very productively. i organized some closets. i made some swedish meatballs. and i san lyzed the new japanese star wars trailer. you guys see the new star wars trailer? a lot of new footage in there that they didn't put in the american trailer. for instance, we see a lot of the new droid bb-8. he's a little beeping robot companion that moves around on a gyroscopic sphere. i don't know where he comes om, but my theory r2-d2 had sex with a yoga ball. (laughter) get that into your head.
and there's a great shot of the fighters racing off the millennium falcon. the new star troopersave flame ththwers. i predict this year's hot christmas gift will be a lighter and a can of hair spray. (laughter) although, don't try that at home, kids. we also get a much better view of kylo ren's fancy new three-prong lightsaber. of course, three blades means the first blade lift, the second and third blade cut giving you the galaxy's closest shave. speaking of light saishes, i, some of you know, this i once had a lightsaber battle with george lucas. yeah, it happened. it is the greatest thing that ever happened to my 14 year old self except it happened when i was 42. and there was a little hitch. here is what happened. before lucas' appearance on my old show, his people at industrial light and magic warned me that george does not
call them lightsabers. he calls them laser swords. so during a commercial break i turned to george and i said hey, would you like to have a laser sword fight. and he said sure. and i was feeling pretty good about myself until the secretary before we caca back on the air, george l lns i iand says, you should know, most people call them lightsabers. (laughter) and we're back on the air and i can't talk. you remember. and for the next five minutes, i'm just sitk there-- sitting there waiting for the cameras to go off to say i know they're called lightsabers. i was j jt calling them laser swords becauau that is what y y called them in your first draft of the original script that was called adventures of the starkiller, episode one, the star wars, because i'm your biggest fan, please take me back to tattooine with you. but he left before i could say any of that. so george, if you are watching tonight, i knew they were called light saibers. everybody knows they're called lilitsabers. anyway, , need you to know that
i also need you to know we have a great show for you tonight. (cheers and applause) yeah. that was amazing. big moment in my life. >> the lightsabers. >> stephen: my heart is racing right now. my first guest tonight, my heart is racing because of our first guest tononht, actor and writer han hawke is here. (cheers and applause) mr. hawke. he just wrote a children's book called "rules for a knight." of course first rule for a knight, don't talk about night club. i will also be talking with senators claire mccaskill a a amy kloloshar, of c crse i will be-- i will be referring to them by their celebrity couple name, claimy clob ago il.
nathaniel rateliff and the night sweats. (applause)e) they will l performing their nene single called i need never get old baisessed, of course, on the story of the magical boy who never grew up, rob lowe. oh, you hear that? that is jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. (applause) before these guys bring t tazz hammer down, one m me thing. over the weekend, a sink hole outside a mississippi ihop swallowed 12 cars making them the most nutritious thing ever swallowed at an ihop. tonight, stephen welcomes ethan hawke, senator claire mccaskill and
musical performance by nathaniel rateliff of the the night sweats. featuring jon batiste an stay human. and now it's time for the late show with stephen colbert! (cheers and applae). >> stephen: yes, everybody! thank you very much. thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: that's very nice. thank you very much. thanks, everybody, thank you so much for being with us tonight. we've got areat show. jon, the band sounds fantastic tonight.
>> jon: oh man! >> stephen: very tight. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: did you he a good weekend? >> jon: yeah, we've been practicing over the weekend. >> stephen: oh, i should try that. >> jon: i was just joking. >> stephen: jon, i see you'vee got a little guest with you in the band tonightht whwhdo you have here. >> jon: man, we have the amazing vocalist staisie orico. >> stephen: stacie, thank you. thank you for joining us, stacie. i understand you have another special guest. >> jon: yeah, that's right. i know you are aan of the bassoon. >> stephen: yeah, i love all double-reed wood winds. >> jon: that swha i heard. >> stephen: the bassoon, the oboe, all of them. >> jon: yeah, you know, tonight we have the award-winning actor rainn wilson.
(applause) thank you, thank you. well, rainn, rainn wilson, great to you have here. >> oh, thanks, steve. yeah, it's great to be here. >tephen: well, rainn, obviously i loved your work, i just had no idea you played the bassoon. >> oh, no, no, i do much more than play the bassoon, steve. i rule the bassoon, because i am the bassoon king. and i have written about it in my new memoir. >> stephen: you mean "the bassoon king: my life and art facek idiocy by rainn wilson? "i can't wait to read it. >> well, you're going to have to wait to read it because it doesn't me outntil tomorrow. >> stephen: what? whoa! well, what makes you the bassoon
>> well, firstly, the crown, right, guys. >> that's right. >> that's right. >> secondly, my virtu osik scicialtion i started playing the bassoon when i was a wee lad, and i kept at t dedicating my life to the craft of bassooning until about halfway through junior year in high school, then i quit. >> stephen: wait, so you haven't played the bassoon hins high school. >> oh, no, no, no, c ce on, stste, i picked it up again. >> stephen: when? >>8yesterday. but it doesn't matter because i'm the bassoon king. and picking up this beauty after 30 years is like riding a bike. while playing the bassoon. >> stephen: all right, how about laying down some tasty bassoon licks for us. >> okay, you got it,t, youot it. i'm going to do that.
cheers and plaws.-- cheers and plaws. >> you name it, can i play it. what style of bassoon would you like to hear. classical, jazz, of course i'm a master of the rock bassoon. >> stephen: i think we want to hear rock bassoon, don'te? (applause) yeah, let's heaea some rock bassoon. >> strap it in, fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gentlemen, i'm about to spank this wood wind because she's been very naughty. enjoy this little tune i came up with. it's called dark heart of the reed. brack playing mary had a little lamb) (applause)
starbucks double shot. sdz (applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, as of yesterday the 2016 presidential election is just one year away, which means it's only 11 months until voters start paying attention. t right now it is crunch time for lesser known candidates to get more knowner. like third place democratic candidate and former governor of maryland martin o'malley who i'm guessing was not that happy to
see this "the wall street journal" photo with the caption, hillary clinton, bernie sanders and an unidentified man. (laughter) worst yet, unidentified man is polling higher than martin o'malley. meanwhile, everyone on the g.o.p. side is about to get plenty of face thyme at tomorrow's fourth republican debate. all eyes on marco rubio. he looked presidential at the last debate thanks to his brilliant strategy of s snding next to jeb bush. but he has raised some eyebrows for this exchange with reporters. >> people always kind of ask you what is the one politician, you know, that you want to sit down and have a beer with. >> i would change the question and say nonpolitician. i always mess up her last name, this young lady mall allah. >> s sphen: yes, marco rubio wants to have a beer with mall
practicing muslim and 18 years old. (laughter). >> stephen: it's all part of his strategy to appeal to young voters by loitering outside of a liquor store. i believe america's best days are ahead of it. do you kids want a six-pack of nationally ice? i will buy i i for-- of natty ice, i will buy it for you. anto be fair, rubio wouldn't be the first president to get tanked with a transformational human rights figure who could forget when harry truman did keg standers with gandhi. of course, the staiks of the debate are highest for the two g.o.p.p. frontrunners donald trump and ben carson who are separated by less than one point, since the retired neurosurgeon started rising in the polls, the media has been dredging up all kinds of ancient history like this speech in 1998 at a religious college. >> my own personal theory is that joseph built pyramids in order to store grain.
and all the archaeologists think that they y re made for the pharaohs graves. >> stephen: and carson recently reiterated his beliefs that the pyramids were built to store grain. i was sceptical until i saw this ancient egyptian diagram. see down here? right down there. (applause) the grain g gs onn the bottom, thenenou get your fruits and vegetables and up here the egyptians kept a giant turkey. now personally i think the media should let this pyramid nonsense go and focus on the issues that affect us. like did he really try to stab a dude when he was 14? because throughout his campaign carson has presented his life as a conservative redemptioio story,, a man who turned his life around after behavior like this. >> as a teenager i would go after people with rocks and bricks and baseball bats and hammers. and of course, many people know the story when i was 14 and i tried to stab someone.
>> stephen: well, it is a story he toll many times. so far the man he tried to stab is unidentified. so you can s sely assume it's martin o'malley. (applause) but now, he is describing the length of the knife that he used. but now-- there it is. but now cnn has called t tt story into question. >> we talked to people that he knew in elementary school, junior high school, all the way through, and they just said that this didn't square with the quiet, calm, collected person that they knew. >> they spoke to his neighbors, they spoke to his childhood friends. they were trying to corroborate those s sries, they couldn't find anyonee who hadny knowledge of these events. >> stephen: wow. some childhood friends. i can't believe they would stab him in the back about whether he stabbed them in the front.
(applause) >his is aeal proper show you've got here. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> it's important. >> stephen: it does feel important, doesn't it? >> yes, it does. >> stephen: alltied up. >> you got a real rock band, you got a real house here? (cheers and applause). >> stephen: nice people, nice people. we've got the cameras and everything. people are going to watch this later. >> are you rolling. >> stephen: : lling evevything. >> you're doing great. >> stephen: thanks so much. you're doing great toorks you know, as i said in your intro there, are you a four-time oscar nominated actor, writer, two for writing, two for acting. (applause) is there one-- which one are you more proud of, or are you waiting to win one of them and you go yeah,hat's the o o i'm'm momo proud of. >> i have this secrere goal, peter o'toole was nominated for eight oscar and never won. and i want to beat him. i want to be nominated for nine times and never win. because i think when people win
they get a little fat and sassy and the work goes down, do you know what i mean? >> stephen: yeah. >> i didn't say it. >> stephen: look at mer ill streep, she sucks. >> yeah, dowow sad, really. >> stephen: you are the opposite of fat and sassy, you are actually trim and some what humble. we'll get to the humility later. you finished the new york marathon, congratulations. >> i did, i did. (applause). >> stephen: why did you do it? miles? why did you want to do that? >> you know, it's weird thatou k that. because right before they fired the gun, you know they actually fire a gun it is really kind of scary. the gun goes-- and you have to run. and i really thought, why am i doing this. >> stephen: at the last minute? >> my wife really wanted to do it and so it was a fun thing to do together. and i think i kept thinkininthat something wowod come up and i wouldn't have to d d it. you know, i get offered some job or something to take me to
bollive ya, you know. and nothing came up. and so there i am at the race and the gun goes off. but then as you are thinking why are we doing this, you do start to think why do any of us do anything. you know, as i started running, i wasike well, why do i do anything. i mean-- . >> stephen: you are hallucinating. what mile were you on at that point? >> let me tell you something, you do start to go loopy. >> stephen: a little crazy. >> a little bit. >> stephen: one of the things. you-- running the race is one thing but running the race famous is even harder. >> a little weirder. because at first you are out there, and people like seeing you, rigig? >> they do. but then when your hamstring starts to cramp up and your calf starts to cramp up and you really want to be anonymous. people are like ethan hawke, you can do it you are like no, i can't, actually. and please don't tell anyone, but i'm in a lot of pain and leave me alone. >> stephen: i think this is the guy from new york one. he came and did this, while you wewe running.
>> so yoyove been around a lot of high energy at mot-- atmospheres what is the energy like out here. >> i love this city, you kno what can i say, man, i'm trying to run. (laughter) (applause). >> stephen: that's hard, man. >> how long are-- unless i talk to hims he's jusus going t t keep following me. hey, how is it going. >> stephen: well, you did pretty well. you finished 4:25, okay. >> my phone said 4 qu 19. i don't know why, you get the little app on your phone. i think they robbed me of six minutes. >> stephen: i think that app is called shave six minutes. let's see. yoyo beat alecia keys who ran this year. p. diddy beat you. and you only beat alanis more i set by three minutes. and ed norton kicked your ass at 3:478. do you want to call him up and
>> look, i don't want to be this person. >> stephen: yeye. >> but i know f f a fact he doped. >> stephen: okay. >> you heard it here fir. i don't want to-- no, man, i'm not fast. i wasn't trying to be fast. ed norton is-- i actually-- he is the greatest at stuff. >> stephen: well, besides being an actor and a novelist and a screen writer, you have a new book for young adults called "rules foror a knight," okay. about? who are the knights you are writing for? >> the knights and ladies that i'm writing for are my kids. and i had this kind of fun, it was fun for me, anyway, kind of riff that i would do, it kind of started as an elabobote christmas present. my wife did the drawings and i wrote this thing about-- i like to write, obviously. so i wrote something for them. d over the years, it grew in the telling.
work on it and add a rule t started out as seven rules. and now it's 206789 we just kind of worked on it and worked on it and i decided to share it this year, that's all. >> stephen: it's s beautifulul little book. thesesare the list of rules for knights. the nightly virtue, sol teud, humility, gratitude, cooperation, friendship, forgiveness, honesty, courage, grace, pairks, justice, generosity, discipline, dedication, speech, faith, equality, love, pride, which happens to be a deadly cynic as >> uh-huh. >> stephen: : w is pride a virtue if it't' also a deadly cynic. >> well, first of all, there is a right kind of pride and a wrong kind of pride. you know there is pride that is self-respect and there is pride that is pride over people, you know. >> stephen: uh-huh. you have got to rules for knights. >> is that too many? commandments. are you twice as virtuoussod s t tt what you are saying or
twice as hard to please? god's hard but our dad, your kids say. >> you know that dad on sound of music with the whistle. >> stephen: sure. >> is that you? >> that's me. to be honest, it's hard when you have teenagers, to come up with reasons to make them interested in ethics. and in kinin of a larger questions about what is chiff allry what is generosity, why sol teud. even the question you asked me about pride, i always think that is interesting. you know, the difference between somebody who is self-respect and somebody who is a blowhard, you know. and where is that line between self--- you know, between dignity and between thinking-- . >> stephen: puffery.. >> yeah. >> stepheneni saw an interview with you recently where you said that you are proudly preten shus. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: what is it about pretension, because no one outpretensions me. i'm superpreten shus. i don't pronounce the last "t"
in my name that vl-- you know. colbert. mean that is super-- that's superunchable not pronouncing the last t in your last name. what do you like about pretension. >> you know what i like, everybody is always-- there is a great interview with francis ford copola when he is making a kok-- apocalypse now, that when are you making a dippy movie, it is okay, do a good j j. if you try too make the greatest movie of all time, everybody thinks are you a preten shus loser, right. you can't help but come low. but i always feel like you should shoot high, you know, shoot high and people often call that preten shus. did that sound preten shus? >> stephen: no i was waiting for it to sound it. >> you might be the wrong audience. >> stephen: well, speaking of shooting high, ethan hawke's new book is the greatest book of all time! rules for a knight, get it for your kids.
and being totally anonymous, after disguising my famous voice so i sound like darth vader. forgive me, father, for i am yoyo father. well, i need a mint. well, i might not have the time to sit down with my priest but i still have a lot i need to get off my conscience. and i really feel that i can tell you, my audience anything, because you're not going to tell anybody anything, right? >o! >> stephen: good. this is stephen colbert's midnight confessions. okay. just for the record, i'm not sure any of these are cynics, but they are things i feel guilty about, okay?
forgive me, audience, sometimes i take a penny, but i have never left a penny. i flos my teeth only twice a year, when the dentist does it for me. i have ethan hawke and senators claire mccaskill and amy klobushar on tonight. all three of them have books. i haven't read any of them. but i'm going to say i did. i have violent thoughts when people use the term sky fie andnd fantasy interchangeably. oh, i love science fiction, i just read the lord of the rings. i will find you and i will end you.
odjicka-- melodica. (laughter) i have gsh-- i don't write all the jokes on my television show. just the ones you like. no, wait, i just lied about that too. i write all of them. i think mole sauce tastes like dirt. i don't want to eat dirt. sometimes, audience, sometimes i wear headphones without music playing to hear r at people are saying aboutut me. and if they say something mean, i pretend like i was listening to a really sad song.
if i'm walking down the street with a magazine and the subscription cards fall out, i don't pick them up. i feel like thatat not on me. iieel l le that'ss on the magazine. (laughter) (applause) i cry all the time in movies but i'm always crying about the movie "thth note book." once i waited nine hours to reply to a texan then said oops, i just saw this now. hope you were able to find someone to pick up your kid from pre-k. (laughter) i told my wife i was going to watch the game with my buds. i i ld my budsds was staying in and hananng with the wife.
(applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, my next guests are two of the 20 women currently serving in the u.s. senate please w wcome senenor claire mccaskill and senator amy klobushar. thanks for being here. >> our pleasure. >> stephen: as i said, you are two of only 20 women serving in the senate right now. is there a club that the female senators feel they belong to regardless of which side of the
aisle they are on? because is there a u nitd in your m me-- unity in your minority. >> i would say that's accurate. when you look at the fact that through history, there has been 1,917 male senators and only 46 women senators, we have a little catching up to do. >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah. >> so we stick pretty close together in fact, sometimes we're known to kind of gather on the floor, not that we'e' really lking about anythininin important, just to scare the guys to death. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: really? >> oh yeah, oh yeah. planning. >> we are a fore middable force. if you get there, then you probably are fairly tough. >> stephen: yeah. >> an when we have our dinners, we never talkbout the male senators. >> oh, no, never. no, oh no. >> stephen: i understand you do have civility dinners all the female senators@get together. what is aivilityinner? other.
and we have this trust built up. and i think more than the fact that we are good friends, is the fact that we have gotten things done. a woman senator lead the end of thth shultdown. a woman senator lead the budget. a woman senatoread the farm bill. just think of what we could do, stephen, if we had 50%. (applause). >> stephen: well, we each have a-- you each have a book out right now senator klobushar, your book is "the senator next door" sounds kind of lili a (laughter) and senator mccaskill you have "plenty lady like" all right, what-- we'll get back to your book, senator klobushar. what is plenty lady like what is enough lady likeness to be a senator? >> well, this comes from you know todd aiken. >> stephen: yeah, , remember him. >> that chapter is called the magicu teru s where he was confused about how a woman could
conceive and and so forth. >> stephen: yes, exactly. he was magic himself in that he vap rated in a hail of his own words. >> he did. he did. it was perfect. so after our first debate, he told the media that he didn't think i had been very lady like. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> so thatats where the title comes from.. >> stephen: you did one lady like thifnlg you put a million dollars of campaign money into getting him nominated as your opponent because you thought you could beat him. >> that's correct. >> stephen: so you helped get him nomined. >> i did. >> stephen: just to jack slap him around in the election. (cheers and applause) plenty lady like. allight, now senator klobushar, senator next door, what, who is the senator next door and can i come over and borrow a cup of sugar. >> any time. >> stephen: what am i borrowing from you? what am i getting from you as being my senator next door. >> i think the point i'm making with this title is that we have to bring some neighborliness into the united states senate.
that we have to bring the values of representinggour neighbors. and a lot of that has been lost in a world where people are on opposite sides of the aisle, throwing punches. and so my point is that courage is not whether you are going to go in there and just throw a lot of insults at each other. courage is whether or not you're willing to stand next to someone you don't always agree with for the betterment of this country. (applause). >> stephen: now obviously you're politicians. you have memoirs. that usually means you're running for president of the united states. are you two announcing your candidacy? cuz it's not too late. either one of you could be the unidentified person in the photo. because you are identifiable. >> there appears to be plenty of room in the republican primary for all kinds of kids. no, i think we've got a candidate we all think-- . >> stephen: you feeling the bern?
president very much so madame president and are supporting hillary clinton. >> stephen: all right. but-- but let's just see, that is very nice of you. let's be selsh for just a second. >> okay. >> stephen: if she doesn't become president, then either one of you could be the first female president. but if she becomes president, then neither of you could ever be the first female president. >> that's correct. >> stephen: i think my math checks out. >> i think that is correct. >> stephen: just some small part o o you g gng way, it would be great it would a ao be greaea if i i was me. >> no. >> stephen: both of you are motheru. is it hard to like drag the kids around on thed campaign trail? >> it is. my son, i caught my son, you know when children are small they think they are whispering and they are not. he was in the next room when he was about seven years old and he was talking to his five year old sister. and he said nowowf she says we're going to a parar, ask her if thehe give speeches. because if there is a speech,
it's no party. (laughter) so my daughter is actually, i dragged her here today but she told me she only came for the band. and-- (applause) she, when she was about-- when she was about 14 years old she came home from school and she said mom, all these girls, i've heard this term helicopter mom because their moms are always watching. i decided you are not a helicopter mom. you are a sub marine mom. and i said that sounds so tough and cool. what is it? she said well, mom, it means youou lurk below the surface and come up unexpectedly. >> stephen: that would be a good name for a book as well, sub marine mom. you also look so friendly on the cover of your book. you have ever thought about going something that perhaps is
all of these lies oh and never again come on and say it now say it's a game i know that some will say it matters but little babe come on and mean it to me i need it so bad mean it to me i need it so bad mean it to me i need it so bad i needed to try needed to fall i needed your love i'm burning away i need never get old i needed to try